The Thing, directed by John Carpenter

No, not this The Thing

The Thing (1982)

Directed by John Carpenter

Starring Kurt Russell

The Thing. What can I say, except I really wanted to love this film. I really wanted to like this film. I really wanted to appreciate this film.

One out of three ain’t bad, I guess. I didn’t love or like the film, but I can appreciate it.

I appreciated the premise and the special effects, but the storytelling and plot didn’t work for me. From the too-long, plot hole-filled opening sequence to the too-short, plot-hole filled finale, I spent more time being mad at the movie for existing and trying my damnedest to stay awake during the expansive lulls in the story.

Let’s talk about plot holes. The movie opens with a helicopter-borne dog hunt. That’s fine, I suppose. I know I’ll learn why this guy’s shooting at a dog soon enough. But it’s about a ten-minute sequence and when they finally land the hunter turns out to be Benny Hill and blows up his own helicopter. Then he points a gun at a group of people, doesn’t say a word, and gets shot in the head. I’m pretty sure if I were chasing an alien dog, I’d be screaming something like, “Hey, that’s an alien dog! Stop him!”

This The Thing

So, that set the tone, and I tried so hard to get past that. But I hate movies dealing with paranoia. Especially when that paranoia is about who’s the secret alien. It almost always turns into two hours of, “Where were you?” and “How do I know you’re not the alien?” or “I’ve developed a test that will definitively identify the monster, though I have no way to test my hypothesis or—ahhhhhhhh! I’m dead now.”

Where was I? Oh, plot holes. There was a lot of fire, but nothing burned down. Not sure if we could classify that as a plot hole, but it was certainly annoying. Especially with all that dynamite laying around.

And there was plenty of other stuff. It was a lot of watching Kurt Russell sulking interspersed with gross-out special effects.

Okay, let’s talk about the special effects, because those were the high point of the movie. They were fantastic, if sometimes cheesy, and were executed seamlessly with the action. There was a period in the late eighties and nineties where the special effects were laid over the film in post-production, and they never came off right. The Thing was laden with practical effects and animatronics that gave the movie a realistic feel. Sometimes it was cartoonish, like when we watch a belly bite the arms off a doctor while he’s using defibrillators, but for the most part they were extremely well executed.

The alien itself is the source of the biggest plot hole for me. It’s a creature that kills and mimics. It seems to be able to take on its knowledge, which leads me to believe it’s not only sentient but also intelligent. So why, oh why, is this creature whose survival depends on his stealthy take-over of all the humans continuously expose itself? The biggest point of contention for me was when it was in dog form. It was placed in a kennel with the other dogs, and instead of biding its time until it could be alone with a human, it

immediately attacks all the dogs and exposes itself.

It does that several times throughout the movie, and it got annoying quick.

From a story standpoint, I don’t feel there was any great character arc from our survivors. They didn’t grow, but instead finally just settled down at the end.

This was my disjointed review of the film, because the film itself is disjointed. John Carpenter didn’t do a bad job, but the premise could have resulted in a much stronger film.